The Spirit of Christmas

Posted By Jim Scott on Apr 12, 2017 |

So I have a sort of late Christmas wish this year.  I wish the S.O.B. that invented glitter had a sprig of holly drove right through his black heart!  The damn stuff is everywhere.  Sweep – still there.  Vacuum – still there.  It just lays there on the floor blinking at you in that sick twisted sparkly way.  My wife even bought wrapping paper to of course match the decorations on the tree, despite the forest of partially used rolls in the garage.  This new paper was composed of apparently highly compressed glitter fused together to create paper.  I should mention by the way, my daughter picked this demonic concoction out.  I was the first one to wrap a present with it as I was trying to wrap my wife’s presents before she got out of school for Christmas break so that I might shove them far back under the tree so that she could not reach them with her little Tyrannosaurus arms.  You see, she has a horrid history of shaking and lifting presents so that she can guess what is inside them with uncanny accuracy thereby spoiling the surprise.  Anyway I began wrapping her present with this glitter infused paper and the glitter was just going everywhere.  To make matters worse the paper had the ability, possibly because it was forged by Satan himself, to resist Scotch tape.  Do you know how difficult it is to wrap a present which refuses to be taped down?  Pretty damn hard I will tell you.  I persisted because my wife takes great pride in having the presents all colored to match the decorations of the tree, and being that it is Christmas, I humored her.  Wrestling a greased pig would have been easier than jacking with this odd shaped box and this demonic paper.  Finally I finished and placed the present far, far back up under the tree.  I looked down at my hands, arms, shirt, and pants all covered in glitter and sighed.  The floor, the table, all dusted with the f**king pixie dust!  Standing there, covered in glitter, I looked like I had just strangled a half dozen strippers.  Merry Christmas!