So the other day I get home to find my wife is entertaining company – no – not that kind of company. This was not a shotgun, bag of lime, shallow unmarked grave kind of moment. It was one of her school teacher friends. The problem is that they were in my master bathroom. Now before you get it in your head that it seems a little odd to be entertaining in the master bathroom, I should explain that we just had the bathroom remodeled and she was showing the lady.
The fact that my wife had some strange lady in my bathroom disturbed me. I have been informed by her that my disturbance is purely a male thing, because apparently women enjoy looking at other people’s bathrooms for some odd reason. However, her having a stranger in my bathroom bothered me for two reasons:
1) I had to pee. I’ve never really been much of a public peeing kind of guy, particularly not in my own bathroom. Apparently somehow, my bladder has developed the ability to know when I have returned home. No sooner than I pull into the garage does my bladder scream out without reservations that unless I move rapidly towards the facility I will require a change of clothing posthaste. I have tried to argue with it, but to no avail. It only screams louder. I try to bargain with it, like “Okay, just let me check the mail first”, but it is having none of it. So needless to say my bladder was not pleased at having a visitor in its favorite “watering hole”.
2) This is my bathroom. This is where I poop. Why are we running guided tours through there? Now I will admit some of my poops are spectacular, but I have no plans at this time to erect a ticket booth, nor concession stand.
What is the fascination with showing someone your bathroom? It’s typically a toilet, tub, shower, and sink – big deal! I could see it maybe if you had like a “Slip-n-Slide” into the tub, maybe an actual waterfall shower, or possibly a water park for a bathroom, but just looking at a regular bathroom – that’s weird.
I really fail to see the need to give a tour of my master bedroom as well, but let a woman paint, change the drapes, or get new furniture, and it’s time to install a turnstile. Once again, if there were mirrored ceilings, a stripper pole, tie-down straps, a trapeze, one of those big spinning wheels that you strap into buck naked, a little sock drawer for the midget to sleep in, and a perch for the monkey, I could understand you wanting to show it off, but not just a plain old bed and night stands.
Suffice it to say that I think company needs to be limited to the common areas. Apparently men and women differ in their opinions of such things. The funny thing is that women think that men are nuts for having a problem with it, and as men we of course KNOW that women are freaking nuts.
So I am happy to entertain company, and enjoy having people over (almost as much as I enjoy seeing them leave), but don’t be surprised if I don’t show you the new toilet paper holder I installed in the guest bath or the new tiger on velvet painting (it’s whiskers seem so real that you can almost reach out and touch them) which is hanging over the toilet in the master bath. You are free to wander aimlessly through the common areas, but outside of those areas, you will be considered a trespasser and shall be shot on sight!
Welcome to my home
