Guns – who needs them? No one! If you dismiss the recreational value of firing guns, as in target shooting, re-enactments, and other such activities, then there is really no need for them to exist. You no longer need to hunt for your food, so why do it? All the money spent on fancy guns, scopes, special clothing and boots, various accessories, fuel costs, and what-not probably far exceeds what you would spend for meat at the local grocery store. So why don’t we just ban guns altogether?
Assholes! That’s the best answer I can give. We can’t get rid of guns because there are too many assholes in the world – pretty simple actually. If you can magically get rid of all the assholes in the world, then you can have my guns, otherwise go away and don’t bother me.
First, let’s circle back around to all you hunters. I actually could care less if you go shoot Bambi, as it keeps me from plowing into him on my motorcycle. The only thing I would say is, don’t shoot it, if you are not going to eat it. You can surely find something to hang on your walls other than a head. Now I don’t care if you hang animal heads on your walls or not (In fact I’ve always kind of wanted a moose head, if I ever get the game room I want), just don’t shoot something just for its head. Eat the rest of the critter, or donate the meat to one of the countless relief efforts that would gladly take it. I do also understand there is a need for population control. My only concern about shooting animals for population control is that the people who set those numbers each year are the same rocket scientists who thought it would be a good idea to introduce Canadian Geese into Oklahoma. Enough said.
Now, back to my original point, we need guns to keep assholes from running a muck. Let’s start by talking about national defense. I know there are those liberal whack-a-doodles out there who will say we don’t need guns for national defense, as we have a military. My admiration for the U.S. military is second to none. I will happily acknowledge that our military can kick the crap out of anybody else’s. That being said, there are a lot of countries out there that thought they use to have a kick ass military, until we came knocking. I am not concerned about a one on one battle, but if these little guys ever figure out that they can buddy up, things could get fun. I think the main thing to remember is that once upon a time, were it not for John Q. Public owning a squirrel rifle, we would be gagging down cucumber sandwiches and drinking hot tea at 4 PM and our national pastime would be cricket. There are two damn fine reasons to own a gun right there.
The next reason to own a gun is for personal and home defense. This is my main reason. I had at one time considered not owning a gun at all, however I reasoned that it would make it much easier to inject the bullets into the attacker, if I in fact, did use a gun to do this with. It is not my belief that harsh language alone is sufficient protection in the event of a home invasion. I am pretty proficient with a knife, a collapsible baton, or nunchaku, but I would prefer to keep my distance, while at the same time repeatedly perforating my would-be assailant in a manner which would make the most avid watcher of the “Walking Dead” television show proud. Hmm, I guess I could keep a tube of blue paint on my person at all times, and then in the event of an invasion, I could rip all my clothes off, quickly paint my face blue, and come screaming, buck naked at the intruder like a Celtic Pict. However there is one important side note about this, the Celtic Pict died out around 800 AD. There might be a reason for that – they didn’t have a gun! A friend of mine, who owns more guns then Charlton Heston, told me once that I should have a safe to keep all my guns in. I explained that I don’t want my guns in a safe, I want them strategically placed throughout my home, so that in the event that I need one, I might quickly seize upon one, and insert round after round of searing lead into an intruder’s body in the most expeditious manner possible.
So clearly, I believe in the use and ownership of guns. Every time we have a shooting somewhere in the country a new surge of cries for gun control spew out. I am delighted to see that at least for once, in this most recent shooting which occurred in California that the young man’s mental health was immediately brought into question. I think the real deal is not that we have too many guns on the street; it is that we have too many crazy people on the streets. Here’s an idea if you have someone on a butt load of mood stabilizers, you probably should just hang on to his huge collection of guns for while – don’t you think? I always love the interviews with the families after the fact – “Well, we knew something was not right with the boy. He would sit there in his room, night after night, cleaning his guns, masturbating to the Audubon magazine, and writing in his journal using his own feces, but he was quiet for the most part, and besides, well hell “Wheel of Fortune” was about to come on.” Remember folks, you don’t need guns to kill; case in point, Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building – fertilizer and diesel fuel.
Lastly, to all the people who think we should pass laws to make it more difficult for crooks to get guns, or if we reduce the number of guns out there for use, then we will all be safer – all I can say is you are some kind of stupid. It is already illegal for convicted criminals to have guns, but you know what? They are criminals – they break the laws for a living! They are not supposed to have guns now, but they do. Ask yourself this, which do you think is a more attractive meal for the Great White shark: the seasoned SCUBA diver holding a bang stick pointed at the shark as it circles, or the sun burnt housewife from Des Moines, whose got a butt the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, wearing her J.C. Penny one piece with the floral print of roses, slathered up with enough cocoa butter that she is leaving an oil slick, floundering in the surf like an injured moose? If you unarm the citizenship, then it is going to be a feeding frenzy.
