My decision to run for President has been long coming. This is not an Obama bashing move or anything, although his flagrant use of Executive Orders gives me hope for the possibility of King Jim. This journey actually started a long time ago. I have resisted the urge since my political leanings do not coincide with either of the major parties.
However, what spurred me on was my recent attempt to change up my Mom’s health care coverage. You see my mom lives in an assisted living center and I pay all her bills and take care of all the various paperwork issues. Recently, when my mom broke her hip, I was advised that it might be a good idea to change up her insurance. I contacted the Social Security Administration just to ask a basic question about her health insurance coverage and met a stone wall. Not authorized I was told, although I thought I had taken care of this back when my dad was still among us. I asked how I could get authorization and was instructed on what form to fill out. The form had to be turned in at a local office. I went to the office and swam through the huddled masses in order to drop my form in the proper drop box. One week later the form was returned to me, disapproved. I called the local office, spoke with the woman who informed me that I had been told the wrong form and that I would need to drag my 84 year old mom down there to the disease infested hellhole to prove her existence, and obtain authorization. I was told that if I brought her during the middle of the month at 9 AM we should be able to get right in and out. The middle of the month came, we arrived at 8:58 and the parking lot was full. I was unable to find a handicap parking space because all the overweight bastards whose doctors should be dropped in a bottomless pit for telling these oinkers to get some exercise and then handing them a slip for a handicap parking space, had already taken them. I got my mom inside and then went out and parked. She was the only person in the place with a walker – no wheelchairs, crutches, or canes to be seen – just mile after mile of mutant zombie looking handicap parking assholes. We found two seats. I put mom in the aisle so that she would not have to sit next to the man who was busily picking things from his person and casting them onto the floor. Two women and two children sat behind us. One child whined from the moment he arrived about how much he wanted to go home. I was in complete and utter agreement with him. The other child routinely coughed up tuberculosis coughs onto the back of my neck. When we arrived we obtained number 31 in the queue, after 15 minutes they were now serving number 3. I got up to go speak to the guard about why I was not able to schedule an appointment as I had been told over the phone, when there was a notice on the wall about doing the very same. His answer was less than satisfying. Upon my return to my feces and beer fart laced chair I spied the two delightful children who sat behind us. The older child was continuing his whining and doing that bizarre contortion act in his mother’s arms that only a child can do without rupturing a spleen. The other child sat looking at me with his dead eyes and two long streams of green snot running from his nose down to his chin. Mom, we’re out of here!
Now I don’t blame the Social Security Administration for all red tape involved in insuring that we are not attempting to scam the government, in fact I applaud their taking precautionary steps when it comes to my tax dollars. No, I don’t blame them any more than I do Walgreens for making me show ID, give a stool sample, and a print of my left nipple in order to buy real Sudafed, all because some asshole out there wants to make an illegal drug out of something that I desperately need to keep me from having two long streams of green snot running out of my nose.
This is where I circle back to my initial step at running for King – I mean President of the United States. I propose we construct two large preserves either in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, or Utah because there is nothing there anyway. They will be enclosed by massive, heavily fortified walls. In the first preserve we drop in all the scammers out there who because of their lazy ass attempt to suck away my life’s blood I am caused to jump through enormous hurdles. We also throw in the murderers, rapists, pedophiles, telemarketers, and drug pushers. It will be sort of a Thunderdome meets the Hunger Games kind of deal. The whole thing will be televised and a national betting pool will be established. This will be the ultimate reality television program. Each day we drop in a new batch, and whoever is the last man (or woman) standing gets a pardon. Between the ad revenue and a piece of the action on the betting, not only will this be totally self sustaining but will help decrease the national debt.
What about the second preserve you may ask? Well that is for repeat offenders. If you survive the first Arena of Death – I mean preserve, and you fall back into your evil ways then you get tossed into the second preserve. It will follow the same revenue stream of TV ad sales and betting pool, but will have the added revenue stream of allowing honest God-fearing, taxpaying Americans to purchase a hunting permit. Ever seen the movie, ‘The Naked Prey’, sort of like that.
So, these are just a couple of my ideas. If you like this no-nonsense, logical approach to problem solving then maybe you should consider voting for me in the next election. Do me a favor and ‘Like’ this thing if you agree with me. I might even start one of those ‘Fund Me’ things to start building up my war chest.
Good night and may God Bless America
